Swallow the Worm: Tequila's Reviewed

Logan B.

First and foremost, tequila is a product of the distillation of the agave cactus plant and comes in a three major varieties. Like cognac or champagne, true tequila can only come from the municipality of Tequila, which is in the central part of Mexico, and is guaranteed to put more hair on your chest then a skin graft from Sean Connery and a bottle of Rogaine.

Tequila Blanco
The most basic and most popular version of this drink and the start to our tequila guide is silver tequila. "Blanco" tequila is either immediately bottled after distillation of the blue agave or is left to age in an oak barrel for no more than 2 months. The most popular is Patron Silver--also one of the worst. Its fine and awesome if Lil john wants to keep it all up in his cup, but be a discerning adult and go for something with some style, like the new and excellent Jose Cuervo Platino. Now, usually in the tequila world, Jose Cuervo is a four letter word, but this new to the market tequila is really making strides to distance itself from its bad reputation and like Tracy Lords is hoping to go straight and break into the mainstream.
Good tequila never needs lime and salt to cover its burn. In the biz we call those training wheels and they are for amateurs. Instead, show you know what you're doing and order a sangrita back. It's basically spicy tomato juice or bloody mary mix and compliments the heat of the booze with its own sanguine succulence. Silver is the best to either mix or shoot. If margaritas are becoming a bore you can spice it up with a Paloma which is tequila and grapefruit soda.

Tequila Reposado
Next up on the list we have Reposado tequila, the literal translation is "Rested" and if you have a few of these, you will be too. Repo tequila has been aged in oak barrels for a minimum of two months. Its got a golden hue and a slightly more smoky taste to it. Repo is different from gold tequila because gold tequila is a trick played on stupid gringos from the midwest to get them to buy silver tequila with caramel additives and is totally and completely an evil joke. You're an adult with Internet access and now you can drink like one too. Once a tequila goes from a blanco to a Repo it also goes from a shooter to a sipper. The good ones cost more, a favorite being Chamucos which means boogie man, as in "I'm drinking stuff even the boogie mans afraid of." This level of tequila is best enjoyed room temp and in either a cordial or rocks glass but never alone.
If the idea of straight tequila scares you, try a Sarah, its reposado tequila with tonic and a lime.

For more on Tequila's Reviewed, check out part 2 here.

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