Every Halloween, it’s the same quandary: how to be more original than the other people. Or, for others, it’s ‘how can I look like a really slutty version of an otherwise benign identity?’ I haven’t purchased a costume out of a bag for several years, so the whole ‘sexy mail lady/ sexy mouse’ concept is beyond me. I’ve never looked at a piece of toast and thought ‘man, I wish that toast was sexier’. But the people who design Halloween costumes at Leg Avenue apparently have.

Or there’s the desperate people, who go running madly into Party City, buy an adult baby costume or some Crow makeup, and show up at a Halloween party in what SHOULD be a ‘humorous’ costume, but its irony is quelled by the other desperate impulse buyers in exactly the same thing.

So here are some Halloween costumes for the creatively, financially, or time-challenged, which shouldn’t require sewing skills or major expenses. At most, they might require some fake blood and a trip to the Salvation Army. Most of them can be improved by group participation.

The Night of The Living Dead Zombie:
Don’t just be any zombie. Be the evil little girl who murders her own mother. All you need is to let your hair get kind of disgusting and a black Wednesday Addams dress, along with basic ‘I’m dead’ makeup.

The Evil Dead cast:
Fact: dressing up as Ash increases your odds of getting laid. By me, at least.

Suicidal Housewife: Take a vintage fifties dress, do your hair nice, and then add some slits to your wrists or a rope around your neck. This can also help you pass as nearly any famous early twentieth century female author/Frances Farmer. With Frances Farmer, add lobotomy scar for extra points.

A Streetcar Named Desire: Who doesn’t want to dress as Blanche? All you need is a raggedy slip, and a guy in a wife beater to go as Stanley.
Be prepared to stay ‘in accent’ all night.

Henry The VIII and his many wives: This is more complicated, and for those of you with some time on your hands. To properly capture the beheaded look, either fix a costume so that it appears you’re carrying your head under your arm, or simply indicate it via some Cinema Secrets fake wounds and blood.

Three’s Company: Nothing is hotter than Jack and his ladies. That is, unless you decide to spice it up a little and do Three’s Company: Vampires or Zombies. This works with virtually any eighties sitcom, including Mr. Belvedere, Small Wonder, Facts of Life, or Growing Pains. Reciting the theme song periodically during the night is a nice touch.

Infamous Vampires or Serial Killers: I NEVER see people dressed as serial killers. What’s so taboo about being Richard Ramirez, the Nightstalker? Or carrying around a hand and chewing on it ala Jeffery Dahmer? And if you’re going to be a clown, be the ultimate clown, John Wayne Gacy. And ladies: Aileen Wuornos or, for Anglophiles, bouffanted Myra Hindley works in a snap! Serial Killers have the added bonus of being accompanied by their victims. Then there are all those high-profile murders: I haven’t seen an OJ and Nicole in a long time. And people always forget about one of the most awesome serial killers, ‘vampire’ Lady Bathory, who murdered hundreds of peasant women and bathed in their blood to maintain her youth.

Hopefully this sparks some ideas. Good night and good luck. I’m judging you, people. And for the record, I’m going to be Dorothy from the Golden Girls. As a vampire, of course.