Dolores Park and its diverse people’s are divided into seven distinctive types, each claiming space in one park. Watch your step, stay in your zone, and everybody will have a nice day at the park. Stray too far and things could get ugly. This is your definitive map to Dolores and it's many regions:

1. Hipster Hill – This is the pre-party, post-party and weekend destination for young drinkers. If you’re looking for a cheap place to get drunk with your friends, swing by the liquor store and find some grass in this zone. Great place for meeting like minded individuals or finding new people to complain to about being broke.

2. Protester Valley – Mad about something? While not a consistent protester zone, this is the beginning of the ultra-left area of the park, where frustrations are vented with small stages, and big signs. Ironically, Frank Chu, the godfather of SF sign holding, is rarely present.

3. Hippie Sport Encampment – Designated activities include, hoola hooping, hackey sacking, magic sticks, twirling flags, and occasionally, yoga parties. Activities with a clearly defined winner, or activities that can not be preformed while high, should be played in the athletic zone (see #6).

4. Man Ridge - If you’re gay and in need of a tan, this is your Xanadu. I can’t confirm this, but I get the impression that baggy clothes and hairy bears are not quite as welcome. Bears might want to stick to Folsom Street.

5. Rug Rat Playground – Not much to say about this area, shit ton of kids play here, lots of kicking and screaming. Avoid at all costs.

6. Sporting Green – Team sports and athletic types gather here. If you want to be reminded about how pathetically out of shape you have become, join in for 15 minutes and tear up your groin, then go back down to Hipster Hill and continue drinking with your pals to dull the pain.

7. Dog park – Yuppies and lesbians converge to toss balls to their dogs in this area. If you’re passing through, keep cognizant of dog poop and rabid animals. At least one brutal dog attack happens here every week, keep your guard up and your mace at the ready.

You can print out the map below to guide you, it will serve you well. Don’t forget to check out the schedule for movie night, which happens throughout the summer as well, always a good time. Finally, in the event of a necessary bathroom break, use the Dolores Park Café, not the sketchy public bathrooms. If somebody in the café catches your eye, you may have to buy something. A small price to pay to avoid public bathrooms.