With so few nights in the week to explore the goodness of pure distilled spirits, your buddies here at MetroWize have gone through an excruciating screening process of filtering all the major types of booze and telling you what the side effects are. Alcohol as we believe around here in the office is a poison and it effects everyone's body in a different way. In order to keep this from getting boring and clinical we will use the analogy of characters from 80's cartoons, television shows and toys to elaborate on our scientifically researched points. Thus and without any further ado we present you with another tome of danger, drinking and diabolics.

Oh, the agony - Gin Drunk
If you've read our Gin guide you know that Gin is a Juniper soaked express train to the Devils man cave. A Gin drunk is the Animal of the Muppet Baby hard liquor effect megalopolis. Usually after a good gin drunk your hair is completely a mess, you're walking around with a shoe missing and noodles on the front of your shirt. If you're like us, after a good gin drunk there is lipstick on your collar and an empty wallet in your jeans. Gin is a heady cerebral drunk that somehow convinces you that your crazy bat shit ideas actually make good sense but your body firmly disagrees and goes on strike usually resulting in a hilarious mix up of fiery speeches and flashy falls from bar stools.

Mucho Gusto - Tequila
Tequila is an absolute party machine of a drunk. Do you remember that very special episode of G.I. Joe where Lt. Falcon started doing drugs and got kicked off of the Joes? Tequila is kind of like the reason why he decided to try drugs in the first place. It's an enabler and a very persuasive one at that, it hides behind a big mustache and south of the border grin but in the end is a real trouble maker. Drunk is very tipsy, slurred words and delusions of artistic grandeur flourish when it's sloshing around your liver. Because most people just do shots of Tequila in rapid succession over the period of the night it sneaks up on you like Santa Ana and then just when you're least ready for it; it attacks your Alamo of consciousness in a mindless attack of tortilla chips and heartburn.

Sweet Berry Wine
Wine drunks vary from varietal to varietal but for the most part if you're a guy and your on a wine drunk anywhere except at a tasting room in Napa or riding the rails as a an old timey hobo you've become the equivalent of a Ken doll. Nuff said.
In Men wine promotes the alcohol fueled tendency to grow a ponytail, take a year off and buy a Euro-pass and work on your novel. Women however have the opposite effect where a nice glass of wine will get them to loosen up in their pant suits, let the hair down and go from Dorothy to Blanche from the Golden Girls in as little as a third of a bottle. Because of all the sugars from the grapes the effects take a few minutes to register, generally its sleepiness, slurred words, red face and a penchant for the moldiest of cheeses.

Vodka AKA Mans Best Friend
Here at MetroWize we love the vodka. It's like the seeing eye dog of the drinking world. It's faithful and loyal and mixes with any crowd you put it up with. From cranberry juice to champagne it hits harder then Chris Brown in Rihanna's rented Lambo at the Grammy's. The definitive drunk on a vodka day is a mix of boisterous trouble making and a lot of heady, gravitas weighing emotional speeches about art history and the Legend of Bagger Vance. Truth be told Vodka drinking is like hanging out with Inspector Gadget, it just works with everything.

Whiskey AKA trouble in a dark brown bottle
Oh there is trouble a brewing when you start downing shots of the "water of life" the old Gaelic term for whiskey. It's smooth and simple to down but its sort of like a sleeper cell in that it takes about half hour to start working. If you're anything like us you've probably downed 8 before the half hour time limit has commenced and started singing "For he's a Jolly Good fellow" to a crowded bar full of strangers with facial hair and blank expressions. This is an unadulterated fun drunk that you should reserve for days like Sunday when you don't have any serious work to do.

Rum, a real S.O.B.
Rum is like Mad Martigan from the feature film Willow. It's an awesome drunk that needs a catalyst to really shine through - in Mad Martigans case it was the epic need to save a baby from Trolls and a Tyrannical queen - in the case of rum its just a nice glass and an alibi. Rum drunks are smooth, worry free Jimmy Buffet type adventures that go from Madness to Calmness in about three or four sips. It's typically a contained trouble that has both the effects of sugar and liquor that do a delicate dance with the devil. The thing about Rum drunks is that its a grounding feeling which means that you can keep your balance and almost keep time if you need to dance.

Liqueurs
If you're anything like us, and for the the sake of your liver we hope you're not, the only real liqueur you drink is a little something called Fernet Branca. Yes there are others, Chartreuse is definitely an example but we'll just stick to the basics. Liquors are like the Gonzo of the the alcohol world, you never know what to expect when you're dealing with them. It's like some strange cousins from eastern Europe came to visit and started showing you how the old world drinks. The drunk is a black out call your ex type affair with no real exit strategy. You probably should avoid it at all costs, but we'd forgive you if you don't take our advice.

There you go, a bare bones guide to some of the base boozes and spirits. Yes we intentionally skipped a few but check out our upcoming articles in the future to see the rest of Alcohols affects on your body. As always, remember - the liver is evil and needs to be punished.
Cheers!

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